Funtime Q&A!

* OMG! What is the bride wearing? Will she look like a pretty princess?

• The bride tried on "pretty princess" dresses and decided that they made her look like a doily. And so, like all women running in fear from doily-hood, she turned to an expert seamstress. The Mother of the Bride will be making and embroidering a custom dress that can best be described as modified medieval. It represents the bride's love of history without looking like a tragic Hobby Lobby costume explosion.

* Rumor has it that the bride will be wearing the same necklace that Ugly Betty does on her TV show. True?

• It pains the bride to have to explain this. The necklace Ugly Betty wears is actually a copy of the favorite necklace of Anne Boleyn, second wife of Henry VIII of England. While the bride hardly wishes to share the fate of Ms. Boleyn, she has long had a love for the Tudor period, and is proud to have the headstrong queen in her family tree. She also shares her maiden initial. And so she will wear Anne's famous B necklace at the wedding, and will replace it with a D version for the reception. Compliments on the necklaces will be appreciated. However, those who dare to speak the words "Ugly" or "Betty" at the event will be required to perform an impromptu poetry reading for the amusement of the other guests. It's not Ugly Betty's necklace. Got it?

* Will the groom be wearing his USAF uniform? Will the Honor Guard be there?

• Nope. The bride asked him if he would like to include these things in the wedding, but his response was as follows. "This isn't about the military. It's about you." You can congratulate him on his smoothness at the reception. If you're fortunate, he may give you an impromptu lesson.

* The Bayside Academy newspaper reported that dogs are going to be bridesmaids. Um?

• Katie and Scout will be honorary bridesmaids only, as dogs are not allowed in the church. Bean will be the honorary flower pup. All three canines will be at the reception. The lone bridesmaid at the church will be Rebecca "Fae" Irvin Lee, who is human, or at least was the last time the bride checked.

* What will the wedding cake be like?

• As neither the bride nor the groom have a particular fondness for traditional cakes, they are eschewing the usual multi-tiered white Barbie-and-Ken cake. Instead, they will be presenting a cheesecake with hardened chocolate swirls and chocolate-covered strawberries. On the top of the cake will be two toy figures of animated characters that they think are fun. To be specific, Tieria and Lockon from the show Gundam 00. Absurd? Yes. Totally like the bride and groom? Yes. This cake is no lie.

* Will the groom smash wedding cake into the face of the bride? Or vice versa?

• That would be a waste of perfectly good cheesecake.

* What will the groom's cake be like?

• Neither the bride nor the groom had heard of a groom's cake until someone asked this question. They figure that between the cheesecake and the trillions of little mini-cakes being served at the desert bar at the reception, there's going to be enough cake to go around without them coming up with yet another confection. Thus, no groom's cake.

* Are former students of the bride being invited by lottery or what?

• In order to avoid drama of epic proportions, and also to keep the budget from going over the top, the bride and groom have decided to have a single student representative at the wedding rather than pick and choose students to attend. Gracen Gaddy is going to represent the Bayside student body by acting as a reader during the wedding ceremony. The only other students who will be attending are those who happen to be the children of family friends. 'Cause it would be kinda rude to invite an entire family minus the student, you know. The bride hopes that all of her students will understand the reasoning behind this decision. Or, put another way, the bride hopes that no one will drive to Florida and egg the house.

* I could have sworn you said the wedding colors were ivory and burgundy, not ivory and aubergine. What happened?

• The restoration of the historical wedding chapel happened. The new altar carpet, pew covers, and wood stain are all bright red in tone. Had the plan to use ivory and burgundy been carried out, the ceremony would have looked like a bloodbath rather than a celebration. The bride chose to swap burgundy with aubergine in order to avoid making her wedding look like a re-enactment of the movie Kill Bill.

* Have you hired a band for the reception?

• The bride and groom have secured an awesome local band. So local, in fact, that it lives in the house with them. Its name is iPod. It can play every style of music from classical to Japanese pop, never takes a break, and doesn't demand payment. All it asks for is an electrical cord and a set of speakers. Rock on, iPod, rock on.

* Will the bride and groom perform a first dance?

• While the bride and groom may dance at the reception, they do not intend to perform a formal first dance. There will be enough attention focused on them as it is. There is no need to add a talent show to the mix.

* At what point in the reception will the bride throw her bouquet?

• Never. Apologies to those hoping to see some gladiatorial games at the reception, but the bride would very much like to keep her bouquet and have it preserved. It is also worth noting that the bride's bouquet will be held in a Victorian brass tussie mussie. Throwing it would almost certainly result in the maiming of the unfortunate single ladies involved.

* Where are you going on your honeymoon?

• Good question. The bride and groom still don't know.